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08 November 2006 @ 09:33 am
Episode Eight, Act One - "Don't Go Breaking My Heart"  

Early morning, Fez & Kelso's apartment

Loud music is coming through the closed door of Fez' room. Kelso comes out of his room, hair disheveled, in boxers and a t-shirt. He pounds on Fez' door. The music changes, but nothing else. He pounds again. The music changes again. He pounds a third time. Finally, the door opens.

FEZ : (angry) Will you cut that out? You're making the record skip around!

KELSO : Fez, it's nine o'clock. You know I worked the graveyard shift last night!

FEZ : So what? You're a cop in a graveyard, you can't catch a nap?

KELSO : It means that I was working all night, Fez. And I'm doing it again tonight, so I need to sleep!

FEZ : What the hell are you doing that for?

KELSO : I told you, I'm saving up some extra money.

FEZ : A likely story. You know, you've woken me up plenty of times.

KELSO : Like when?

Fez gets a thoughtful look.


Night, the apartment

Generic sounds of passion are coming from Kelso's room. Fez storms out of his room, in a bathrobe. He pounds on Kelso's door.

FEZ : Kelso! Brooke! Stop it!

They don't. He pounds again.

FEZ : Stop it or let me join in!

Still the noises. He pounds again.

FEZ : I'm going to stand out here and listen until you stop!

Nothing. Fez waits for a moment, then bursts into a giggle.

FEZ : (to himself) They are doing it...


KELSO : (annoyed) Fez, you're not a virgin anymore. You know that doing it has priority over everything else.

FEZ : My point exactly, you see what I mean?

KELSO : (confused) Yeah. No, wait. No. (beat) I didn't hear you bring anyone home.

FEZ : I didn't say I brought anyone home, I said I was doing it.

KELSO : (angry) Then just be quiet, damn!

Kelso storms back to his room. Fez slams his door, and the music stays loud.


Daytime, Formans' basement

Hyde is in his chair, watching TV. Donna is sitting on the couch, flipping through the U of W catalog, while Eric is stretched out with his head in her lap.

ERIC : All of them! Jungle Action G.I. Joe... Sea Adventurer G.I. Joe with Kung Fu Grip... Man of Action G.I. Joe with Eagle Eyes...

DONNA : (not paying attention) That's terrible, honey.

ERIC : You guys don't appreciate how much lunch money I've had to save for those figures!

DONNA : (bored) That's terrible, honey.

ERIC : Donna, are you even going to listen to me about this?

DONNA : That's terr-- (beat) Oh, sorry, Eric.

HYDE : (annoyed) I swear to God, Donna, if he says one more word about those dolls, smother him.

ERIC : Action figures!!

HYDE : Do it!

ERIC : (smirking up at her) Well, as long as you do it with your boobs... I'm ready to go.

Donna, laughing, shoves him off the couch. As Eric gets up, the door flies open, and Jackie runs into the room, frantic and teary.

JACKIE : Steven!

Jackie vaults over Eric and throws herself into Hyde's lap, almost sending him falling out of his chair. Jackie throws her arms around Hyde and whimpers.

JACKIE : Oh, Steven, it's horrible!

Hyde sighs, and pats her on the back.

HYDE : Somebody beat you to the clearance rack at the shoe store?

JACKIE : (offended) No. Like I'd ever shop off the clearance rack. (beat) No, my slutty whore of a mother is leaving town again!

DONNA : But Jackie, your mom's a-- no, wait, you got it pretty accurate.

ERIC : You forgot hot.

DONNA : Smothering you is still on the table, Eric.

ERIC : My statement regarding boobs still stands, Donna.

HYDE : (ignoring them) She's taking off? What for?

JACKIE : (air quotes) "Vacation".

ERIC : Oh, is that so? Which country will she be sleeping her way through-- I mean, visiting?

JACKIE : (angry) Uru-something, or Para-something... Oh, who cares?! I'm being abandoned again!

DONNA : Don't worry about it, Jackie. You can just move back in with me.

JACKIE : Donna, duh-- you're leaving for college soon. And I am not living with Bob by myself, I'm sorry. I still have nightmares about having to watch him give himself a home perm.

Jackie turns puppy eyes to Hyde.

JACKIE : Steven... your girlfriend is in need. And you have a whole basement all to yourself. (before Eric can comment) Shut up, Eric.

HYDE : Much as I'd like to shack up, Jackie-- which might not be at all-- Red would have me out of here and on my ass faster than they chucked out Forman's doll collection.


HYDE : (ignores him) We'll figure something out.


Daytime, Formans' kitchen

Kitty is baking something. Eric comes up from the basement, and heads for the fridge.

KITTY : Hi, sweetheart. What was all that commotion? By the wailing and carrying on, I'm guessing it was the Burkhart girl.

ERIC : Yeah, Jackie's all bent out of shape because her mom is leaving town again.

KITTY : (sarcastic) Oh, what a surprise. Pam Burkhart's slept her way through Point Place once more, and needs greener pastures.

ERIC : (laughs) Mom! I thought you liked Mrs. Burkhart.

KITTY : No, dear, it's your father who has a crush on her. (slowly getting more angry) A ridiculous little crush on her and her bony, overtanned butt... (through gritted teeth) The same crush all you stupid men seem to have on her...

Kitty starts shaking a cooking utensil menacingly. Eric backs off, holding his hands up.

ERIC : Easy, Mom. I'm with you on this one.

Kitty takes a breath, then laughs it off. Red enters through the sliding doors, looking annoyed.

RED : Eric! Didn't I tell you to clean up the garage two hours ago?

ERIC : Maybe, but I don't recall you making a deadline on that very clear.

RED : The only deadline you need, smart mouth, is the line from my foot to your ass that will make you dead.

ERIC : (beat) So go clean the garage now?

RED : In so many words.

ERIC : And what if I say that I don't want to? Seeing as how, y'know, I'm a college man now.

KITTY : Oh, Eric, what are you doing?

ERIC : Mom, Laurie never had to do anything around here when she was in college... all fifteen minutes of it.

RED : Eric, you-- despite appearances to the contrary-- are a young man, and as such, I expect you to do whatever menial physical labor I tell you to do. And as long as you live under this roof, you will do it.

ERIC : As long as I live under this roof. I gotcha.

Furrowing his brow in thought, Eric walks out the sliding doors and turns toward the garage. Red looks smug, but Kitty is concerned.

KITTY : Red, was all of that necessary?

RED : Kitty, the boy is heading for college. He needs to toughen up, or else he'll be back here the first weekend needing to have a wedgie surgically removed.

KITTY : Oh, don't be dramatic. Beside, Donna will protect him.

They both laugh.


Daytime, "Fresh Hair" salon

Fez is at a washing station, shampooing a female customer. Throughout the scene, he is clearly peeking down the front of her blouse. Jackie is sitting in the next chair over, idly playing with the handle of a broom.

JACKIE : (mid-speech) And then she said, "Well, since you're all graduated and an adult and stuff, you'll be just fine, right?" And I said, "Oh, I don't need you, Mom, but it'd be nice if you stuck around for once." And then she said that Point Place was a hole, and that even the scuzziest bars in Mexico were more fun than Wisconsin. I wouldn't have minded that so much, since Wisconsin is so damn boring, but it meant she was leaving me! Again!

FEZ : (frustrated) You think you have it bad? So your mother is an attractive, but slutty woman who likes to travel-- big deal! You don't have to put up with living with Kelso. Half the time, he's doing it loud enough to wake me up, and the other half, it's his baby that makes me need a lullabye.

JACKIE : Wow, so Michael and Brooke are really that serious, huh? Where is he now? I thought he usually comes to the salon on his days off to hit on women with low self esteem.

FEZ : I think he's at lunch with Brooke.

JACKIE : Again? Wow, they're really getting serious, huh?

FEZ : (scoffs) If you want to call spending every waking moment together and in perpetual happiness "serious", then I guess you're right.

The phone rings. One of the stylists answers and motions at Fez.

STYLIST : Fez! Your roommate calling... again.

Fez rolls his eyes, wipes his hands off on a towel and picks up the phone.

FEZ : (into phone) What? What?! Okay, fine. I said I would.

He slams down the phone and heads for the door. Jackies stops him.

JACKIE : What about the salon? What about your job?

The customer previously getting her hair washed raises her hand.

CUSTOMER : What about me? Um, I'm not quite finished!

FEZ : Jackie will finish you.

Fez ducks out the door. Jackie looks down at the person in the chair, and shrugs. She pulls the spray head out and aims it at full arm's length at the sitting woman. Jackie lets the water rip, and it drenches the woman, who screams.

JACKIE : Sorry!