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30 November 2006 @ 11:43 pm
Episode Nine, Act Two & Tag - "Night Moves"  
ACT TWO

Night, Formans' living room

Bob is laying stretched out on the couch, holding both hands over his stomach and groaning in pain. Red and Kitty enter from the kitchen, each of them holding a bottle of alcohol.

KITTY : (tipsy, mid-sentence as she enters) -- now I'll have to find a new super-emergency special occasion hiding place!

RED : (also a little drunk) Kitty, in the back of the pantry is fine. In the undersized cupboards above the fridge is fine. But what were these doing mixed in with the cleaning fluids?

They don't even notice Bob, who is now groaning loudly.

KITTY : I told you, they're for emergencies. Like uninvited guests. Just like now.



RED : Well, I'm glad we're moving them. I don't want you trying to have an afternoon nip of Drano, and I don't want to try and unclog the toilet with bourbon.

Bob groans really loud, annoyed at being ignored. He gets so into the groan, he rolls off the couch.

BOB: Mooooo... ow!

Red and Kitty walk over, but don't make a move to help.

RED : Bob, what the hell were you doing, lying on my couch and moaning like a Singapore--

Kitty gives him a death glare, daring him to finish the sentence.

RED : --taxicab. Man, those Singapore cabs had awful exhaust pipes. Made so much noise.

Kitty shrugs it off and helps Bob back up onto the couch.

KITTY : Bob, what's wrong?

BOB : I'm not sure, but I think I might have been too late to save some of the stuff in your fridge. I'm not sure if it was that dried-out piece of pecan pie, or the open tin of tuna fish, but something in there (pats his stomach) isn't happy.

RED : (to Kitty) Tuna fish? When the hell was the last time we had tuna fish?

KITTY : Since before Eric came home?

They both shake their heads in disgust and turn to Bob, who shrugs and continues to moan and groan.

KITTY : What are we going to do with him? At least he finished off all the food, but now he's just... well, look at him!

RED : (thinks, then snaps his fingers) We'll toss him in the den. He can stay there until he gets better or we figure out how to make him go home.

KITTY : But what if he doesn't get better? What if we're stuck with him when he's really far gone and sick?

RED : Then we'll put him out of his misery.

SCENE BUMPER

Night, mall, deserted sporting goods store

Eric and Donna duck inside through the frosted glass door, running.

ERIC : Oh my God... Oh my God...

DONNA : What the hell was that thing? It looked like...

ERIC : Just say it.

DONNA : No! It's a stupid idea.

ERIC : Say it! You'll feel better.

DONNA : Eric, it's not a zombie!

Banging on the frosted glass door. Donna and Eric turn to see a silhouetted figure pounding on it. They both yell and turn to run. Donna gets several steps, but Eric trips on a stray dumbbell, landing hard.

DONNA : Eric, no!

ERIC : Donna! No, don't turn around! Go!

DONNA : I'm not leaving you behind, man!

ERIC : Damnit, save yourself!

DONNA : No! Nobody's gonna turn you into a mindless, obedient drone except me!

Donna finds a golf club and raises it like a weapon. The door opens, and it's Leo, wearing a security guard uniform.

DONNA & ERIC : (incredulous) Leo?!?!

LEO : (happily) Hey, kids! (looks around) Weird weather we're having, huh, Man?

ERIC : Leo? Okay, first-- it's not weather. There's a blackout. And second of all-- Leo, what the hell are you doing here?

DONNA : Yeah, and wearing the uniform of the Man. Are you a security guard here at the mall?

Leo examines himself.

LEO : Guess I am!

ERIC : How did this happen, Leo? Did they, like, draft you or something? Can they do that?

LEO : Naah, man, I'm good at avoiding drafts. But I think they, like, promised that I could eat in the food court any time I wanted, man.

DONNA : So?

LEO : So, I just can't pass up those hot dogs on a stick.

ERIC : Terrific. Look, Leo-- we're all locked in here. Do you have keys, or some way to get us out?

LEO : Nope, no keys, man. I leave all that stuff to the other guys. I mostly just hang out near the hot dog place and the cookie stand.

DONNA : That's just great.

LEO : Maybe there's something at the security office that'll help.

ERIC : I never thought I'd say these words, but-- good idea, Leo. Let's go.

Leo leads them out.

SCENE BUMPER

Night - The Mall

We're at the jewelry store. Hyde's hand is still stuck.

JACKIE : There has to be some way to make this work.

HYDE : You want to go find Forman and the security guards around here? Be my guest. Just remember that it might be a long time before I actually get out of jail this time.

He tugs at his hand some more.

HYDE : (under his breath) Knew I should've gone for the ring on the right...

JACKIE : What was that?

HYDE : Nothing. (beat) Look, Jackie. You need to stop freaking out about the damn ring and see if you can figure out the lock on my left.

JACKIE : (excited) You're going to teach me how to loot?

HYDE : No, I... (beat) Okay, that would be pretty cool. (shakes his head) No. No, Jackie, I'm gonna teach you how to get me out of this.

JACKIE : Wait. I get to save YOU?

HYDE : Shut up and stick your hand over there!

Jackie's clapping her hands a little and walks over to where Hyde's hand is stuck. She tries to move the glass around.

JACKIE : Like this?

HYDE : No, my right.

JACKIE : Like this?

HYDE : Yeah, now see if you can squeeze your hand inside.

Jackie is standing next to Hyde and stops.

JACKIE : Oh, they're all so beautiful...

HYDE : Jackie!

JACKIE : Fine, fine. But just so you know, you're stealing a ring for me once we get the power back!

HYDE : Whatever. Just get me out of here NOW. Then we'll talk rings.

JACKIE : (extremely excited) Oh my God, Steven! You just said that...

HYDE : (slightly freaked) No, I didn't.

JACKIE : You interrupted me, so how do you know that you didn't even say it?

HYDE : I've got my hand stuck in a jewelry case, Jackie. It wasn't that hard to figure out.

Jackie's smiling by now, and kisses him.

JACKIE : All right. Let's get out of here, and...

Jackie pulls on her hand a few times. She looks panicked.

JACKIE : Steven!

HYDE : Don't say it.

JACKIE : Steven, I'm stuck!

HYDE : I said, don't say it!

JACKIE : We're trapped in a friggin' mall and I can't even reach the ring I want! (beat) Or your hand!

Hyde sighs and pulls on his hand a few more times without success.

JACKIE : (pouts at him) At least we'll die together.

HYDE : (smirks at her) Damn zombies.

SCENE BUMPER

Movie theater, storage closet

Kelso has moved one empty shelving rack against the door. Fez is sitting on the ground, propped up in one corner of the closet. There are empty boxes and torn wrappers of candy in huge piles heaped up around him. He has loosened his pants and is looking tired and sick.

FEZ : (moans) Ohhhh... Oh, candy. Cruel mistress candy.

KELSO : You know, we arrested a chick named Mistress Candy last week. (laughs) Freaky!

FEZ : (irritated) No, you idiot. My stomach hurts.

KELSO : Gee, d'ya think it might be all the candy you just ate? I mean, damn! I haven't seen that much sugar packed away since me, Eric and Hyde stole a case of Pixy Stix when we were nine!

FEZ : Mmm, Pixy Stix-- (grimaces, holds his stomach) Ow!

Kelso shakes his head and shakes the shelving against the door.

KELSO : Well, this isn't going to hold long with all the weight taken off of it.

FEZ : Well, you're not putting it back. It's better than nothing, with the zombies out there.

KELSO : Look, Fez-- zombies are slow and stupid. We are fast... and not stupid. (beat) Okay, maybe you're not that fast right now, but you're not stupid. I think we should make a break for it.

FEZ : The hell we will. We do that, I fall behind, and you get away while the zombie feasts on my candy-fattened flesh.

KELSO : (shrugs) And the handsome guy gets away, just like every horror movie. What's your point?

FEZ; The point is that I'm not becoming your zombie bait, you sonofabitch!

Fez tries to lunge at Kelso, but can't. Fez winces, Kelso laughs and something bangs on the door. Both guys scream. The banging gets louder and Kelso drops to the floor. He and Fez cling to each other in fear.

KELSO : If we get out of here, don't tell anybody I said this, but-- I love you, Fez. Y'know, like a guy.

FEZ : (smiling) I love you too, Kelso. Like a guy.

They cringe as the door is forced open, the shelving unit crashing aside. In steps a nerdy teenager in a theater uniform.

NERD : You weirdos need to get out of here, got it?

Fez and Kelso nod.

SCENE BUMPER

Night, Formans' living room

Red is nervously pacing between the couch, his chair and the kitchen door. Kitty is drinking and biting her nails. Bob's random moans and groans can be heard coming from the den.

RED : We have to do something about Bob.

KITTY : He's fine where he is. As long as he stays where he is, everything will be fine. Even if he gets sick, we never use that room, anyway.

RED : I am not going to have Bob puking my food out on my carpet in my den!

Red stops, crossing his arms.

RED : We've got to get rid of him.

KITTY : We can't do that! It's not right!

RED : He's a danger, Kitty. To our carpet, our furniture, what's left of our food-- everything.

KITTY : (pleading) Bob is our friend, Red! We can't desert him in his time of need. Just give it time, he'll be okay.

RED : It's been hours, and he's just getting worse. This has to be done.

Kitty gasps and runs into the kitchen. Red gets a determined look on his face and walks into the den.

SCENE BUMPER

Jewelry store

Hyde and Jackie's hands are still stuck in the display case.

JACKIE : Okay, my wrist is starting to hurt. There has to be something better to do than trying to yank our hands out of here.

HYDE : Like what?

Jackie kisses him. The two start awkwardly but enthusiastically making out. Suddenly, someone kicks the door open.

LEO : (shouting, holding out his hand like a gun) FREEZE, DIRTBAG!

Jackie shrieks. Hyde yelps in pain, and backs away, holding his hand to his mouth.

LEO : (chuckling) Man, I always wanted to be the one saying that.

HYDE : (muffled, angry, to Jackie) You bit my tongue!

JACKIE : He scared me! (to Leo) Leo, what the hell are you doing here?

Leo shows off his uniform.

LEO : Haven't you heard? Around here, I'm the Man, man.

HYDE : (still muffled) That's just so wrong in so many ways.

JACKIE : Will you guys just get us unstuck?

Eric swaggers behind the display case and inspects it.

ERIC : Looks like we just have to get this one little door pulled out or bent enough for you guys to slip past.

Eric grabs for the door.

HYDE : Forman, no offense? But I'm not about to trust those pipe cleaners you call arms to get us out of this. We need muscle.

JACKIE & HYDE : (together) Donna?

Dejected, Eric moves out of the way for Donna. She reaches down and easily pries off the display door. Hyde and Jackie step back, holding their wrists.

JACKIE : Oh, thank you, Donna. I'll never make fun of you being a freakishly strong Amazon again.

DONNA : I'm not holding my Amazon breath on that one.

ERIC : If you're all done praising my Amazon girlfriend, can we get out of here?

They all start filing out: Leo, Hyde, Jackie, Donna, then Eric. Eric stops Donna before she steps through the door.

ERIC : You know, that got me thinking--

DONNA : (sternly) The Wonder Woman costume stays in the bag until we're away at college, I told you. I am not having Jackie walking in on that little perverted fantasy of yours.

SCENE BUMPER

Leo, Hyde, Jackie, Donna and Eric find Kelso and the ill-looking Fez walking their way.

DONNA : There you idiots are. What did you guys do?

KELSO : Fez here found the biggest candy stash ever. I swear, if I had been wearing that jacket I've got that's the same color as a chocolate bar wrapper, I wouldn't be here talking to you.

FEZ : Hey, I may be from a more primitive culture, but I do not eat human flesh. (beat) Too gristly.

HYDE : Anyone else here completely creeped out?

Everyone else raises their hand. And then Fez does, too.

FEZ : (laughs) I didn't want to be left out.

ERIC : What took you guys so long, anyway?

Kelso and Fez share a guilty look.

KELSO : Trapped in a storage closet... by a zombie.

FEZ : Three zombies.

KELSO : No, five zombies.

FEZ : Yeah, five.

The others all shake their heads.

JACKIE : Now can we get out of here? Does anybody have an idea how?

Leo raises a finger and opens his eyes as if he does. The mall lights immediately turn on. Everybody stares at Leo, who then frowns and looks defeated.

LEO : No, I got nothin'.

Leo suddenly reacts, looking around.

LEO : Hey, who turned on the lights, man?

The gang groans and starts walking away.

CUT TO COMMERCIALS

END OF ACT TWO

TAG

Night, Kitty & Red's bedroom

Both Kitty & Red are in their pajamas, settling in for the night. The bedside lamps are on.

KITTY : Thank you for letting Bob sleep on the couch, Red.

RED : I just couldn't do it. He just looked so... helpless and weak.

KITTY : He never could take care of himself.

RED : Yup. (beat) I'll have the upholstery shampooed in the morning.

Kitty nods. They both switch off their lamps and tuck in. There's a sudden banging and groaning at the door. The lamps are switched on, and Red and Kitty look on in fear. With a loud moan, the door slams open, and it's Bob, looking pale and disheveled.

BOB : I'm afraid of the dark now. Can I sleep up here in your room?

CUT TO CREDITS

THE END