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19 November 2006 @ 11:50 pm
Episode Nine, Act One - "Night Moves"  
Night - The Mall

We still can't see anything yet.

KELSO : Okay, I'm TOTALLY beginning to freak out here! I gotta get home to Brooke and Betsy, and I'm not gonna go if the zombies come and eat me!

HYDE : Kelso, you've got a gun. Just shoot the damn things.

KELSO : So you admit there are zombies!

The emergency lights come on, and we can see everyone, huddled together.

FEZ : (scared) Ay!

DONNA : It's just the emergency lights. Come on, we can figure our way out of here now.

They all begin to walk slowly again, with Donna & Eric leading the way. Jackie is hiding behind Hyde. Fez is just behind them, and Kelso is bringing up the rear. Jackie sees Kelso and quickly moves directly in front of Hyde.

HYDE : Jackie, what the hell are you doing?

JACKIE : There's no way in hell that I'm going to let Michael shoot me. You can protect me from him. It's what a good boyfriend would do, anyway.

HYDE : I'm not your... (everyone looks at him and he sighs) Fine. Whatever.

ERIC : Here's the door.

Eric yanks on the door several times. Nothing happens. He presses his feet up against it, still pulling. Nothing happens. One last tug and it sends him flying to the ground on his ass.

DONNA : Eric! Are you all right?

ERIC : Yeah. Yeah. Fine. (stands) Just... fine. Except for the fact that we're all LOCKED INSIDE THE FREAKING MALL!

FEZ : What? No! I do not want to die!

JACKIE : Fez, you can't die from being locked inside a mall. (beat) Although, that would be a cool way to go!

DONNA : Guys, calm down. All we have to do is find someone to unlock the door, and then we'll go home.

ERIC : Okay, yeah. So, maybe we should split up.

KELSO : Oh, right. You saw what happens when you split up! You end up with the zombies eating your...

HYDE : I swear to God, Kelso, if you say "zombies" one more time...

KELSO : You'll what? Throw me to the...(beat) zombies?

Hyde goes after Kelso and they begin to wrestle. In the middle of it, Kelso drops his gun, and Fez picks it up, making everyone stop what they were doing and freeze.

FEZ : All right you idiots, this is how it's going to be. Eric & Donna need to look for the security officers. I will go with Kelso back to the scene of the crime... err, the movie theater. Jackie and Hyde will stay here in case help arrives.

ERIC : Sounds... good, actually. How did you learn all of that?

FEZ : (shrugs, then laughs) I don't know. It must be the gun. (points it at everyone) Don't you move! (everyone freezes with their hands up, until Fez starts laughing) You are all such morons.


Night, Formans' living room

There are a few lit candles scattered around the room. Red is downstairs, holding a flashlight while Bob lounges on the couch with a tub of ice cream. Kitty is coming down the stairs with a flashlight, holding a few unlit candles.

KITTY : I found a few more candles in Eric's room! And boy, do they smell nice-- we're in for a little treat!

RED : The boy has scented candles?

He swings the flashlight beam, interrogation style, into Bob's face.

RED : What the hell are he and Donna doing up there? Fooling around, or braiding each other's hair?

BOB : To be honest, Red, I'd rather it be the second thing, if you don't mind.

Kitty sets out the new candles and starts lighting them. She notices the ice cream.

KITTY : Bob? Is that our ice cream?

BOB : Of course it is-- if we don't eat this stuff, it'll just melt and make a mess. There's plenty of stuff that'll go bad in the fridge. (laughs) After this, I've got my eye on your milk.

KITTY : What, no cookies or brownies to go with it?

BOB : If you got some.

RED : This isn't gonna last long enough for the food to spoil. The power company's going to get us up and running again in no time.



Bob is now chowing down on a roast chicken. Red is in his chair, a short stack of beer cans beside him. Kitty is at the bar, mixing a drink.

BOB : Boy, there really isn't anything that beats leftovers, is there?

RED : (annoyed) I wouldn't know, Bob. Seems like you've been first in line for everything that's come out of that refrigerator since the power went out.

BOB : That's not a very friendly attitude, considering that I'm just trying to help.

KITTY : (already tipsy) Help yourself, sure.

BOB : (laughs) Don't mind if I do! (digs back in)

Kitty shakes her head and walks back over to Red.

KITTY : (loud whisper) He's going to eat us out of house and home!

RED : He can try. But the second he gets near the liquor, you know what to do.

KITTY : Oh, you know I do. (beat) Make him a cocktail.

Red rolls his eyes and Kitty laughs. Bob sucks his fingers, leaving nothing on the plate but bones. Bob gets up and heads for the kitchen.

BOB : And that's it for Mr. Chicken! Now to see what's next on the buffet line!

Bob exits into the kitchen.

KITTY : We have to stop him!

RED : Kitty, do you remember the last time we tried to come between Bob and food?

KITTY : (somber) Oh, dear. We were picking potato salad out of the cracks in the driveway for days.

RED : Exactly. What we need to do is make him believe that he's better off back home, on his own.

KITTY : (giggling again) Oh, good! You do that! You're so good at making people feel unwelcome!

Bob comes back in, eating something unidentifiable out of a big Tupperware bowl.

BOB : Whatever this is, Kitty, my compliments to the chef!

Kitty gives a pleading look to Red.

RED : (clearing his throat) Um, say, Bob-- we appreciate you helping us out and all with our fridge, but... don't you need to do the same for your house?

BOB : Oh, no-- there's nothing in there that'll spoil. Everything edible in my house is canned, dried, pickled, or so full of sugar and preservatives that they'll never go bad!

Bob laughs to himself, then gets thoughtful.

BOB : You know, if this lasts a lot longer, you gotta wonder what'll happen when there's no more food to go around.

RED : (deadpan) I can't imagine what that'll be like.

KITTY : (excited) Oooh, I can! I remember seeing Wild Kingdom once, and they said that when food supplies are scarce, animals will often turn on the slowest and most dull-witted member of the herd.

They both silently look at Bob, who's oblivious. Finally, Bob looks up and at the both of them.

BOB : Oh, you guys...

Bob sits on the couch, happily munching. Red and Kitty sigh and go back to drinking.


Night - The Mall

Jackie & Hyde are sitting by the locked entrance, looking bored.

JACKIE : This is stupid. I can't believe we let Fez tell us what to do!

HYDE : Calm down, Jackie. We'll get out of here...

JACKIE : And then what? Where am I going to live? And Christine St. George has been even MEANER to me lately.

HYDE : Yeah, I can't really help with the job part, but what about Fez?

JACKIE : (eyes him) What ABOUT Fez?

HYDE : Kelso isn't living there anymore...

Jackie just stares at him. He shrugs.

HYDE : Right. Bad idea. C'mon, let's see what stores I can break into.


(Different part of the mall)

Eric and Donna are walking around, until he finally stops.

ERIC : I'm lost.

DONNA : We're still in the mall. You can't be THAT lost.

They both sit down at a bench, then hear a noise, jumping at the sound. Eric begins to get freaked out.

ERIC : Now Fez has ME thinking there's zombies around here!

DONNA : (petting his hair) Aw, Eric. The only zombie around here is Kelso, remember?

ERIC : Why did we split up again?

DONNA : Uh, because it was YOUR idea.

ERIC : Stupid! (he lets his head fall backwards with his eyes shut)


(Another part of the mall)

Fez has the gun pointed and is leading the way with Kelso behind him, back to the movie theater.

KELSO : Gimme my gun back.

FEZ : No.

KELSO : Fez...

FEZ : No.

KELSO : Dude, you won't know how to shoot 'em when you see 'em!

Fez stops and looks at Kelso.

FEZ : Why do you have a gun anyway? You cannot even handle your flare gun.

KELSO : Yeah, but now that I've got my own office and all, I can carry one CONCEALED. (nods) Yeah... pretty cool.

Fez says nothing and keeps walking away.



Hyde and Jackie are walking along one side of the mall. Jackie is bored, nibbling away at a bag of popcorn. Hyde is going from store front to store front, yanking on the doors.

HYDE : Dammit, man, what's with all the extra security? The mall's locked up, why do they need to lock every store, too?

JACKIE : Um, maybe because they thought some delinquent might try to break in?

HYDE : I am not a delinquent, Jackie. One, I'm over eighteen. And two, I don't owe anybody money.

JACKIE : (annoyed) Fine. They thought a sometimes-respectable, former delinquent would try to break in.

HYDE : That's better.

Hyde pulls on a door and it opens. He grins.

HYDE : And that's really better. Let's see what we've got.

They step inside. It's a jewelry store. Jackie drops the popcorn and starts to hyperventilate from joy. Hyde starts to back away.

JACKIE : OhmygodSteven... OhmygodSteven... OhmygodSteven...

HYDE : You know, I think maybe this might just be a little more trouble than I'm looking for.

JACKIE : Don't you go anywhere, Steven Hyde! You came to loot, and dammit, you're gonna loot me a diamond ring!

HYDE : Fine.

He steps behind the counter, fiddles with a lock and slides his hand into the display case.

JACKIE : (guiding) No, to the left. Left. My left! No, that one's gaudy. This one's ugly. That one! That one!

Hyde pulls his hand back, but can't.

HYDE : I'm stuck! Jackie, I'm stuck!

JACKIE : (dramatically) Noooooooooooooo!!!


Food Court

Eric and Donna are slowly walking through.

ERIC : Okay, so we didn't come this way, so I'm sure that now we're right.

DONNA : That's amazing logic, sweetie. Now do you see any security guards?

Eric looks around, then spots a figure, sitting in a chair with its feet propped up on the table. Loud snoring and wheezing sounds are heard.

ERIC : Um, that might be... (figure moans) A friggin' zombie!

DONNA : Enough with the zombies, you're being insane!

The figure stands stiffly and awkwardly and starts to turn towards them. They scream and run.


Movie Theater

Fez is leading the way. Kelso keeps trying to steal his gun back.

KELSO : C'mon, Fez, I'll give you some candy.

FEZ : You have candy?

KELSO : No, but I'm a cop. An officer of the law has access to all sorts of things.

FEZ : Call me when that also includes loose women.

There is a loud, moaning noise.

FEZ : What was that?

The noise comes again, louder.

KELSO : Oh, crap.

Some figure, shambling and ragged, steps into the lobby. Kelso and Fez run screaming into a closet. The figure starts banging on the door.

Inside the closet, the darkness is broken by a flashlight.

KELSO : Cool, found something useful.

He moves the light around, finding the theater's supplies, including the cartons of box candy. Fez gasps.

FEZ : Yes! Yes you did!