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10 November 2006 @ 03:32 pm
Episode Eight, Act Two & Tag - "Don't Go Breaking My Heart"  

Daytime, Fez & Kelso's apartment

The place is spotless, and someone has set up what looks like a romantic meal on the coffee table. A linen tablecloth covers it, and nice plates and silverware are seen. Kelso comes out of the kitchen with a bucket containing ice and bottles of beer. He places that on the table, and proceeds to light two candles.

KELSO : Candles, check. Alcohol, check. Mrs. Forman's good china, check.

The front door opens, and Fez walks in, annoyed.

FEZ : This better be good, Kelso. I was shampooing Mrs. Feinbaum, and she wasn't wearing a bra.

Fez sees the stuff laid out on the table.

FEZ : What the hell is all this?

KELSO : What, can't a guy invite his roommate to a nice lunch at home? (he shoos him toward the couch) Sit, sit!

FEZ : (reluctantly) I don't know... (spies the bucket) Oh, my goodness! (takes a bottle) Beer! And the good kind-- in a bottle!

KELSO : That's not all, my friend!

Kelso runs into the kitchen and comes back with a covered silver tray. He lifts the lid to reveal burgers and fries.

FEZ : Is that...?

KELSO : Double cheeseburgers, extra cheese, no pickles, toasted buns and french fries, well done from the Hub!

FEZ : (getting overwhelmed) All my favorites! Cold beer, hot food... and is this Miss Kitty's good china? Kelso, what has gotten into you?

KELSO : You're my buddy, and I felt really bad for yelling at you this morning. Fez, I'm sorry, and I really hope this doesn't change things between us.

FEZ : Kelso, I could never stay mad at you! (grabs a burger and takes a chomp) Oh, this is perfect.

KELSO : Don't speak too soon, my friend. Someone might have a brand new stack of magazines waiting in his bedroom, and they're not "Cosmo"...

Fez drops his burger and swallows hard.

FEZ : You bought me porn?

KELSO : Yes.

FEZ : (suspicious) Oh, I see. You want something.

KELSO : No, Fez-- I mean, I have something I need to tell you, but--

FEZ : Just spit it out, then!

KELSO : All right, damn! (beat) Fez... I'm moving out.

FEZ : What?

KELSO : I've been planning a lot of stuff with Brooke lately, and everything starts with us moving in together. I owe it to her, and to Betsy.

FEZ : Oh, I see. (cold) You think you can fatten me up so I will just roll over and let you go back to your whore? I think not.

Fez stands.

KELSO : No-- But, Fez--

FEZ : I said, "I think not"!

Fez storms off into his room. Kelso bangs on the door.

KELSO : Fez! It's for the kid's sake, I swear!


Daytime, Formans' basement

Eric and Donna are on a chair and one end of the couch, playing cards. Jackie is on the other end of the couch, pouting. Hyde is in his chair.

HYDE : Jackie, I don't get it. You're eighteen now, why can't you just live in your own house when your mom moves out?

JACKIE : I said, I don't want to talk about it!

HYDE : Yeah, I know. But you're totally willing to sit there and suck the life out of the room, pouting about it.

ERIC : Seriously, Jackie-- why don't you go therapy shopping or something? Anywhere, you know, not here.

JACKIE : I don't want to talk about it!

DONNA : Will you guys just leave her alone? Having a parent walk out sucks, okay? Just leave her alone.

JACKIE : (angry) I don't want to talk about it!! (beat, realizes Donna was on her side) Oh. Sorry, Donna.

HYDE : You know what? There's only one thing to do now.


HYDE : (smiles) There, see? No more happiness drain.

Jackie is quietly cracking up about something.

ERIC : (laughs) Yeah. In fact, I think she may actually be raising the level of happy.

DONNA : Man, that would be a cool power. Raising the level of happy.

ERIC : Donna, you raise my happy level all the time.

DONNA : Pervert. (beat) And thank you!

HYDE : I need my happy level raised. Between Forman's G.I. Joes and Jackie's mom, even getting lit isn't raising me.

JACKIE : (cracking up) I'll raise you, Steven! Just not in front of Donna and Eric! (loud whispers) You don't want them hearing your hot new nickname I gave you, remember?

ERIC : Oh, please, Jackie. Please tell us, do.

DONNA : Come on, Jackie. We have to hear this, especially if Hyde doesn't want us to.

HYDE : I swear to God, Jackie, if you tell them, I'm cutting you off.

Jackie is still cracking up.

ERIC : Pretty please? Pretty please with, um, unicorns and sprinkles on top?

DONNA : It can't be any worse than what Eric-- (stops herself, then giggles)

ERIC : That what I what?

DONNA : Nothing...

HYDE : Oh, no, Donna. You have to.

Jackie is still laughing.

ERIC : No! Focus back on Jackie, and Hyde's embarrassing nickname!

DONNA : Eric, it's not that bad. I'm sure lots of guys--

ERIC : No! Embarrass Hyde time!

DONNA : Fine.

HYDE : No! Back to Forman! He-- (stops, looks at Jackie) Jackie, what the hell is so funny?

JACKIE : (through laughing) You're all so stupid! Why do you think I got a new job? My mom spent all of our money on a tanning bed and bikinis, and I can't afford the house once she's gone! (laughs more) I'm poor again! (looks at Hyde) Just like my Mighty Stallion!

She throws herself at Hyde, and they both fall off the chair while Eric & Donna laugh.

ERIC : That's so awesome.

DONNA : Sure is, my Lusty Jedi Master.


Daytime, Formans' kitchen

Eric comes up out of the basement, a little groggy, and rubbing his eyes. He starts for the sliding doors, but finds that Red and Kitty are waiting for him.

RED : Sit down.

ERIC : Um, Dad, I had someplace--

RED : Yes, and that place is with your ass in that chair. Sit.

Eric sits, blinking hard.

ERIC'S POV - Red and Kitty are in black and white, slightly static-y, like an old TV

KITTY : Eric, sweetheart, your father and I wanted to remind you of a few things, that's all.

RED : You are still living in this house, and so you are still subject to my rules, do you understand that?

KITTY : Red, it's all right.

Eric rubs his eyes, trying to concentrate.

ERIC'S POV - Red and Kitty shift in color tone, from very blue to very red, like turning a TV knob.

RED : Kitty, the boy is acting like he came home to a hotel! Worse yet, he's acting as if he's already moved out. (to Eric) You're out of here when I say you're out of here!

KITTY : Eric, honey, there are still chores your father needs you to do, and so you need to mind him. (sniffles) There's no reason to rush leaving home... unless you don't want to be here...

Eric shakes his head.

ERIC : No, Mom, no-- It's just that I wanted to enjoy the time I have while everybody's still here, y'know?

ERIC'S POV - Red and Kitty stretch and squash, like changing the horizontal and vertical hold.

RED : You mean you want to waste as much time and sit around like a lazy dumbass with your lazy dumbass friends until you leave.

KITTY : Is it so bad here, Eric? I mean, the commute to the university wouldn't be that bad, would it? What's a couple of hours a day compared to living in a loving, nurturing home?

RED : Son, you are still going to do what I say, when I say and how I say, or so help me, I'll put my foot so far in your ass that you'll need to enroll in an archaeology class to get it out!

Eric sweats and wipes his brow.

ERIC : Understood, sir. I'll just, um, go clean... the garage?

ERIC'S POV - Red and Kitty have 3-D red and green ghost images.

RED : Now you're making sense.

Eric runs off.


Daytime, Fez and Kelso's apartment

Fez is sitting on the couch, pouting deeply. Kelso is sitting beside him, one arm over Fez' shoulders.

KELSO : Like I said, Fez... it's not you, it's me. I'm becoming a different person. My life is going in a different direction.

FEZ : And that direction is south of abandoning me, and west of leaving me high and dry?

KELSO : It's not like that, man! I have... I have responsibilities.

FEZ : (pushes Kelso away) You had those responsibilities when we moved in together! They're nothing new! What changed? (gasps) It's me. That is it, isn't it?

KELSO : Aww, c'mon, Fez, you know that's not true! You're still the most awesomest roommate anyone has ever had. And whoever your next roomie is, they're going to be one lucky person.

FEZ : (shakes his head) I don't know, Kelso... I can't think about someone new right now.

KELSO : I know, I know. It's okay.

Kelso scoots closer again.

KELSO : Fez, this-- (gestures at the apartment) All this was amazing. I had some of the best times of my life here. But I have to do this, man. I have to. (beat) I couldn't live with myself if I didn't, and I bet you couldn't live with me, either.

FEZ : (shakes his head sadly) No, you're right, I couldn't. You have to be who you are. You have to do what you have to do.

KELSO : Thank you, Fez. And Betsy thanks you. And so does Brooke.

FEZ : (angry) Don't talk to me about her! I can't stop you leaving, but I don't have to hear about her!

KELSO : Fez, she's the mother of my kid! I really, really care about her! And I wish you and she could be friends.

FEZ : (cold) Not going to happen.

KELSO : Maybe not, but she's not going away. You need to accept that.

FEZ : Fine.

KELSO : (more softly) Fez, listen to me. This is huge, really huge. This is a totally massive and scary thing for me to be doing. And I need my friends to help me through it. I'll always need you.

FEZ : (sniffs) Oh, give me a hug, you sonofabitch!

They hug. When they sit back, Kelso is wiping at his eyes. Fez is crying openly. Kelso picks up one of the fancy napkins and dabs at Fez' eyes with it. Fez takes it, blows his nose on it and tosses it over his shoulder.

FEZ : (sniffling) Thank you.

KELSO : No, thank you, buddy.

FEZ : I guess I always knew it wouldn't last forever.

KELSO : Don't look so glum, pal. We'll always have Point Place.




Daytime, Fez's apartment

Donna, Hyde, Eric, Kelso and Fez come out of the big bedroom (formerly Kelso's), looking tired and sweaty. Jackie is in the kitchen, pouring water from a pitcher into glasses.

HYDE : Well, it's done. Fez is moved into the big bedroom.

DONNA : Fez, what the hell was in all those white filing boxes, anyway? They weighed a ton.

FEZ : My collection.

The guys snicker. Donna shudders.

DONNA : Oh my God. Did I just help move your porn?

Jackie brings the water into the living room.

JACKIE : I think I saw a bottle of bleach under the sink.

DONNA : (going to the kitchen) I'm never helping any of you disgusting boys move ever again.

FEZ : (laughs) Oh, that was a good one. She'd be even more grossed out if she had been the one moving my mattress, with everything that's happened on that!

The other guys look at each other and scramble for the kitchen.